The day before the NFL Draft is a beautiful thing, isn’t it? You’re full of optimism!
The failures of last year? Who cares! That franchise player you want? Your team won’t draft them, but there’s always that other guy!
As you lay out your candles & good vibes to help your team draft their next great franchise player, we’re covering the real things that you need to pay attention to for the 2024 NFL Draft: the best names.
The NFL Draft, But Names Over Talent
Remember when you were a kid & you liked a player based on how cool their name was? Well, honestly, that’s the world we want to live in.
Every mock draft is boring. We’re changing the game and drafting players based entirely on their name. The better the name? The higher they go.
Here are your top 5 draft picks in the 2024 NFL Draft:
Pick 1 // Chicago Bears - CB Storm Duck, Louisville
Do the Chicago Bears need a QB? Yes, but in this alternate universe… a name like Storm Duck is so powerful that he can play every position on the field.
Pick 2 // Washington Commanders - CB Kool-Aid McKinstry, Alabama
Back-to-back corners to start the NFL Draft? Washington needs a QB but drafts a CB? That’s what happens in this universe when you’ve got two names this talented. Drink the Kool-Aid, folks. The talent is real!
Pick 3 // New England Patriots - DT Tell Spies, Nebraska Kearney
Bill Belichick might be gone from the Patriots, but let’s face it.. they’ve proven they need to cheat to win. In steps Tell Spies, the most elite defensive player in the entire draft and he’s ready to help the Patriots get back to their old cheating ways (especially on defense).
Pick 4 // Arizona Cardinals - WR Darfnell Gouin, Sioux Falls
With a name like Darfnell Gouin, I’m predicting 1,400 yards and 26 receiving touchdowns in his rookie season. The talent is oozing from that name and even though the Cardinals lost their top talent at wide receiver this year, Kyler Murray finally gets his killer weapon in Darfnell.
Pick 5 // Los Angeles Chargers - TE Geor’Quarius Spivey, Mississippi State
As the 5th pick hits the clock, Jim Harbaugh is in a full power stance and salivating at the chance to draft Geor’Quarius Spivey. Sure, Harbaugh loves to run the ball but Spivey’s name is so powerful that he’ll make Harbaugh switch away from his favorite khakis by halftime.
This may have been the hardest list to ever assemble and only list five, so I’ve listed a few more names as honorable mentions:
RB Kavosiey Smoke, Colorado
CB Andrew Bloodsaw, Clark Atlanta
OL Krikour Koustanian, Northern Arizona
LB Jeslord Boateng, Louisiana Tech
LB Steele Chambers, Ohio State
Maybe Next Year
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